I hope and pray that whoever is reading this, that after you have read this, you will believe that there is a God and that He is real, but most important that you will realise Jesus still SAVES people today, no matter what your background, or race. We are all brothers and sisters and were created by the same God the only difference is our skin colour, and that does not change how much God loves us.
My name is Nadia. I am a 28 year old who would like to share my life story with you. I was born on April 5th 1988. My parents wanted a boy and I was born a girl. Because of this reason I became a tomboy, like to do things boys would do. I am the middle child of three.
I was abused by my dad and I built up hatred against him, I have never been close to him. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I always had to pretend to be someone I’m just not. One day my mother was working late so she can pick up my sister from school after choir practise, and it was only my dad, my brother and I at home. My brother and I bathed so that he can go to bed and he never cleaned the bathroom . Because I’m the eldest it was my job to ensure that the bathroom was clean. My dad called me and hit me with his fist that I had a blue eye, bashed my head against the wall, when my mother and sister got home, my mother shouted me, because I didn't put ice on my eye etc.
I had to go to school like that and the kids and teachers asked what happened and to protect my dad I said I fell, they didn’t believe it, so my class teacher saw my eye and a long story short my dad got a warning. While my eye were blue and people asked him what happened he told them it happened at school. I hated my dad so much, that I became so rebellious towards him and my mother because why didn’t my mother protect me, why did she fight with me instead of helping me. After that my dad decided to take me out of that school and put me in a different school, so after this I learnt to run away from things because it seemed so easy to do.
It became so easy for me to wear masks no matter how deep I was hurting inside I would always seem happy at school. I didn’t have a lot of friends in primary school only a hand full, if it was that much.
I was diagnosed with diabetes at age 10 that was in grade 4 and my sugar levels was fine because I went to my mothers work after school, but since grade 5, I stayed at after-school and if my sugar was just 9 my dad would hit me when we got home in the evening. I was afraid of my dad, and my hatred toward him only got worse. It has always been my brother and sister and I started stealing to get their attention, because even negative attention was good enough. In that year I was molested by my best friend’s dad, and I started to hate all men, I was angry, I never told anyone especially not my mother because she wouldn't believe me she would've told my I'm just making it up.
I went to high school and had to go to the same high school as my sister, even though I didn't want to go to that particular high school. I was in grade 8 and my sister matric and because I didn't want to be there I was stubborn didn't want to study, I basically messed things up. My one friend whose name was also Nadia, wrote a letter to a teacher where she wrote that she wanted to commit suicide and the teacher showed the letter to my sister, my sister confirmed it was my hand writing even though it wasn't, this gave me more reason to be rebellious and stubborn. My parents sent me to a psychologist but it didn’t help much because I didn’t co-operate with her.
I failed my grade 8 year and went to another high school and there I completely lost it I tried/ wanted to be part of the "in-group" and stared smoking, do what they did. I got bullied and I had anger problems I would hit boys who bullied me with a chair, use vulgar language etc. End of grade 9 my parents took me out and put me in a different school.
In the new school that’s where things really happened for me. I had to make friends because I knew no one in the school, accept for some of the children that went to the same primary school I went to. I made friends, little did I know what type of friends they were. . I screwed up since grade 10, when I lived for my friends, thought everything they did was right, that friends was everything, so as the elder people would say if they jump in fire I will jump with them, I started to become so rebellious and arrogant against everyone, my parents, teachers and most of all God.
In grade 11 it became worse because end of grade 10 the school didn’t want to take me back in grade 11. So in grade 11 after my grandfather past away things really turned bad for me, I was angry with God, I blamed Him fot this, and for other things that happened in my life. I was diagnosed with major depression. This is what the doctors thought was wrong with me.
I became friends with kids who were all on the wrong path, they were all part of the occult, the only thing they told me was that they were atheists’ and I believed them. One day one of my friends asked me if I’ll come to her house after school to visit her. She told me that we are a few, at that stage I didn’t know what they were involved in, so not to be a looser I decided to join them. At first it looked like innocent fun and I joined them by playing glasie-glasie, and we played it a few times until one day when we played one of the friends present got hit on his back by a spirit.
The more I was with them the deeper I went into the occult with them; I participated in rituals and sacrifices with them. The most important thing in the occult is trust! That is the first test to see if you can join them, they tell you things that is secret to them and if you don’t say anything they know they can trust you.
The satanic bible is important you had to know it by heart, so to prove your loyalty to them you meditated on the satanic bible. The satanic statements, everything that was important to them you had to know. They cut you some slack if you were still in school, and living with your parents because they know you won’t be able to do everything they told you to do. So with the rituals they were strict and the sacrifices were done in secret and I took part in everything every ritual, every sacrifice was important to them. Living sacrifices I did was done drinking blood of animals as well as human beings. I did the rituals and sacrifices, drank animal and human blood.
During this time I became a person with so much hatred, anger towards everyone God, family, the different races and cultures etc. except for the members of group you belonged to. They were your family brothers and sisters. I was so involved that I asked for power and I got it, during this time I became so strong that I would do things out of the ordinary, I would kill someone if I had to, there were times that my voice would change. I was out of it! Satan made promises and he kept it until he had me where he wanted me. I was so anti-Christian that when people spoke to me about Jesus I would get angry but not just a little, very angry an unusual kind of anger. I would go into a church but with that attitude Satan is my master, lord of my life, until I began to lose people in my life that tried to help.
At that time I didn’t see it as help, only as preaching and telling me what a terrible person I am.
While I was busy doing these things at the age of 20 I was raped by a black guy and I hated them I felt I could and would kill them, I went to a hospital to a social worker, I didn’t tell my mom because I knew how she would act, so the social worker phoned my mother and I had to tell my mother, and she acted out over the phone blamed me for it, and told me that I shouldn't have been there!
I hated my mother for it! All I wanted was for her to tell me it’s going to be okay and I’m not alone.
Even though I grew up in the church, I still took the easiest way and follow satan. I thought I knew better and followed the crowd. I blamed God for this because why didn’t He protect me, why didn’t He stop it, why didn’t He protect me. I thought why should I serve a God who doesn’t help me, He doesn’t want to help me find a job etc.
I studied since 2012 and in 2014 during my first semester I focused on what I believed, satan and his work I thought I am one of his so he will help me and when he had me where he wanted me he abandoned me. There is an Afrikaans expression “ die duiwel sorg vir sy kinders” he does but only until he has you. He didn’t help me after I was in so deep. I realised that I was so busy with self- destruction that I need to do something.
In 2014 I realised I am in trouble because I failed my first semester, I would hurt people and wouldn’t care how I hurt them I went for counselling at Simfonie and they tried to get me on the right path again told me that I need to give my life to Jesus and what I need to do, eventually they referred me to a lady who did deep emotional therapy that didn’t last very long as I played games with her and a lady in Pretoria, so she decided she’s not going to continue to help as I didn’t tell her the truth when I was sitting in front of her and told her I got involved again after I gave my life to Jesus on 22 July 2014, the only reason I gave my life to Jesus on that day was because she said if I didn’t she can’t continue to help me anymore.
I couldn’t say the words Jesus, washed by the Blood of Jesus, She stopped helping me and then I realised I was in deep trouble. I went to look for help at my parents church and their minister told me that I need to take responsibility for my actions, after that I thought there was no hope for me, I am a looser etc. In 2015 January I went back to church Simfonie and that Sunday evening I was so overwhelmed and they gave people the opportunity to give their hearts and lives to Jesus I was so scared but I thought I was now or never the only thing I thought about was what if I die and I didn’t do it then I will go to hell. So I went to the front and the head pastor’s wife prayed for me and as I sat there she said she cannot let me go until I pray and confess with my mouth. Once again I battled I couldn’t! Eventually I thought I want to go home I’m just going to say it. So I did once again I didn’t mean it so I played games and made a joke of it once again. 2 or 3 weeks later I was lying in bed and saw this vision seeing myself burning in hell not even that scared me. In February last year I went for deliverance but that wasn’t a success because I was fighting it.
I went back to my friends from the occult and one evening when I went to the place where they were performing a sacrifice and I wanted to take part in it I felt a hand on my shoulder and a kind and gentle voice telling me I couldn’t do it, and I got sick so I had to go home. I was baptised that March and again I made a joke of one of the Lords Holy sacraments. I asked a lady in Pretoria and all over for help since last year and this pastoral councillor when I made a comment like if I go to hell it’s my problem not hers. So once again I had this attitude of leave me alone if I wanted someone to preach to me, I’ll go to church, and she said to me “IF YOU MISS HEAVEN YOU WON’T MISS HELL and that is reality at its best. With this I got a scripture Rev 3:20 and that scripture I would get it over and over from people and it spoke to me.
Those words haunted me I even saw that vision where I burn in hell 4 times! After that I even tried to commit suicide a few times and Gods hand was over me. That’s when I really came to realise that my life has to change because I will go to hell. I thought no one cared because no one helped until January this year when someone came into my life. Prayed with me and gave me the opportunity to make things right with God. I gave my life to Jesus and that was the start of how my life changed the day I met him I was blessed with a Bible and I started using it but it just seemed to be words nothing more. Then a few weeks later a lady came into my life as well I was sceptical about her, because I thought everyone is the same and she’s going to bail on me as well if she knows about my past and to my surprise it was just the opposite.
On Monday February 8th I met her and she was so cool, calm and collected. The first question I was asked where did it go wrong. I felt so guilty at that time I felt I couldn’t look her in the eye, because I was condemning myself so much and thought she’s going to tell me how bad I am and it was nothing like that. During that time I sat in front of her I saw something different in her as in everyone else that tried to help me, so much compassion, empathy, love etc. she prayed for and with me, that’s how things started to change in my life. I struggled to pray and confess with my mouth it was as if I couldn’t when she started praying in tongues it became a little bit easier but I still struggled. My hands were fists and I felt so much stronger, but it wasn’t strength from God. While sitting there and praying I began to feel this calmness, a calmness that I have never experienced before in my life. It was so much different from the fear I felt. When I prayed and confessed with my mouth I felt so much better afterwards.
This was the beginning of my journey even though after that I battled to read the Word and praying that I felt in my heart it was pointless to continue this journey the attacks on my life became worse and it was too much that I wanted to just give up. I was told to listen to the Word and I did. 12 February when we met again I started the healing process, forgave the people who hurt me and I set them free and blessed them. This is when my heart really changed, because I don’t feel the hatred and anger that I used to feel when I think about it or think about the people who have hurt me. Even though I forgave myself I still condemned myself and blamed myself, a part of me still hated myself for the things I did. I still used my old ways to get what I wanted by manipulating people who was helping had some form of anger towards them when they left me with a choice.
28 February I went to church and it was very different from what I’m used to, as I grew up in different church denominations. That Sunday morning I was freaked out because it wasn’t what I expected it to be. I walked out there different from when I walked in there after the service I thought should I go back Sunday evening or shouldn’t I and I felt in my heart that I need to go back Sunday evening and I did.
That service was the most powerful service I’ve ever attended. That Sunday evening I felt so intimidated in church, scared, anxious every possible feeling one could feel. As we started the praise and worship it felt like I was being attacked by demons I couldn’t handle it. I was thinking about leaving, but I couldn’t just leave. While I was trying to pull myself together someone put their hand on me and prayed I never experienced something like that in my life and the rest is so vague because I can’t remember anything until the end where I went to the front to make things right give my life to Jesus and accepting Him as my Lord and Saviour and having my name written in the Book of life. I doubted if I meant it because all the other times I took it as a joke so why would this be any different.
29 February I begin to continue this journey began the renunciation prayers the first part of it was easy to do, but when I had to do the part of the occult I couldn’t I was held back. The Saturday 5th march I drank again and was out of it the Sunday morning I wanted to go to church but didn’t because I had a major hangover. I nearly lost the one person who got me this far and who supported me all the way. I was angry but it was by my own doing. I once again manipulated to get what I wanted. That Sunday night I went back to Simfonie and that evening in church I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit and was overwhelmed. That Monday I had to make things right but didn’t know how. I made excuses why I cannot do this I blamed everyone but myself for this screw up. I was told to finish the renunciation prayer and I renounced the spirit of manipulation and rebellion with occult renunciation prayer. This was the first things of what is to follow:
9 March I went to youth and we had a random discussion about questions we might have and the youth leader started with me and at that stage I didn’t have any questions what so ever. At the end he asked me again, I said to him what is the point of people being in your life and when you mess up they stay angry and they can’t forgive you they reject you. He told me that people will disappoint me and I said" but doesn’t friends forgive" he said "yes" so I said "exactly".
He told me my focused moved again my focus is on people not on God. He asked me why am I so angry and I told him because I get hurt by people he told me that I hurt people too. I said yes but if they hurt me I forgive them, if I hurt them it’s like a crime I committed. He asked me whether I ever gave my life to Jesus so I said yes I have but I’m not sure if it was sincere. So he gave me opportunity to do it again and I did!.
My life changed for the better my hardened heart was replaced with a heart of flesh. I became compassionate with people, learnt to see them through God’s eyes. My anger and hatred became less. I have grown so much that I took the next step and got baptised on 20 March.
My life changed completely and I can walk into a church and Praise God freely, my prayer life improved, my faith has grown and today I am free from my past I don’t feel shame, guilt or condemnation.
God healed me from my pain and hurt I have been feeling. I learnt to trust God with everything in my life. This journey wasn’t easy but it was possible!! I had the strength to do all things through Christ who strengthens me. There were times I wanted to give up, but I realised I came to far already to give up. I fought it because I believed the lies that I weren’t good enough but God showed me different. He showed me what He had in store for me. in Jeremiah 29:11 for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give hope and a future.
What God did for me He can do for every one of us! God saved my life when I was at my lowest when I was about to give up all hope and give up on myself. I learnt that life and death lies in the power of the tongue Proverbs 18:21. I came to realise that I can pray God’s promises in His Word over my life that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me Phil 4:13.That nothing I did in the past, present or future will make God love me less. God is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever. God will never leave me nor forsake me. God loved the world so much, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. Now this is what I call awesome. God never gave up on me even though I thought that God would. I am healed in Jesus Name. Since my life changed I don’t regret one moment of what I have now. If Jesus is all I have He is all I need. I do still make mistakes and I learn from them and I repent and if I did something to someone I admit I was wrong and apologise and whether they want to accept it is up to them. I have been doing so well in studying the Word and praying and since I started doing this my life is making so much more sense. I put on the full armour ask God to guide and lead me. I don’t drink, I don’t watch porn, and I stopped swearing as well, all by the grace of Jesus. I am not ashamed of what I believe, I believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I worship God everyday with worship music so I can feel His presence. If you find yourself in a place where you know that if you had to die today, right now this second, and you know your name isn't written in the book of life it’s not too late to make things right with God. He is waiting for you with arms wide open.
The hardest for me was to accept what Jesus has done for me and to realise who I am in Christ and to stop questioning His Word. I had to believe who I am in Christ. That I am the daughter of a King, I am His beloved, I am righteous, I am Blessed and highly favoured, I am the apple of His eye, I am loved. My chains are gone I’ve been set FREE in JESUS NAME.
I thank JESUS every day for what He did and what He is doing in my life. We serve THE ONLY TRUE GOD.
When I felt God left me He never did He was where I left Him, I am the one who let go His hand.
Deel asb jou getuienis met ons oor hoe Jesus jou gehelp het, Skryf aan belindapaar@gmail.com Jy kan jou getuienis ook annoniem deel. Jesus gee ons opdrag om van Hom te getuig. Heb 2:3-4
Oorwinningsliefde in Jesus
JES 44:22
Ek delg jou oortredinge uit soos 'n newel en jou sondes soos 'n wolk;
keer terug na My, want Ek het jou verlos.
JES 1:18
Kom nou en laat ons die saak uitmaak, sê die HERE: al was julle sondes
soos skarlaken, dit sal wit word soos sneeu; al was dit rooi soos purper, dit
sal word soos wol.
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